Confusion.
This is what I am feeling right now. Not sadness, not anger, but a feeling with "okay, what now? how can I put myself back together again?" I feel like I am made from puzzle pieces that are scattered all over the city. Where the hell is my eye? I can't see. Where are my hands? I Cannot feel.
I have my feet and my ears, though.
I walk half blind into a maze, and I can hear nice songs. Come on, Lana, let's get High By the Beach.
Yesterday I think I had a epiphany.
My friend, took me to see a movie last night. It was spontaneous and fun. Instead of going to our acting classes, we turned the taxi around, and stopped to the nearest shopping mall and watched Jumanji. It was actually the first time in days that I was smiling and wait! Laughing. Really, from my soul. It felt so light , like a heavy burden was lifted away from my lungs and I could finally breathe.
As I was going back home I felt a huge warmth in my chest and I've realized for the first time in years. Wow. So this is the feeling to really enjoy by yourself without feeling any guilt?
Let me explain.
When I get involved in a relationship, even if I am going out on my own, I constantly obsess over my boyfriend, and feel guilty I am having fun without him. And never feel entirely FREE to enjoy by myself.
I know it sounds so stupid, but maybe guys pick up on that at an energetic inexplicable level and perceive it as "bad vibes/forced things/subtle neediness".
I did it without even realizing it. Putting so much pressure on myself and my partner too.
It's like I wouldn't have let myself doing nothing, I was keeping myself in an invisible cage, and when I did something for myself, it was so hard to make the decision of sharing that time between myself and my partner. I think it was a stupid belief: putting the time shared with him, before my own needs. And I bet he did that too.
And then I am thinking: "Hey what the hell !? Have I lived like this until now?"
And the answer is : Yes, I did. It was a subconscious thing I didn't even had a clue, until I've made myself into a puzzle.
This huge breakthrough came naturally. I did not forced anything.
Wow. I am stunned.
Not angry, not mad. Just Stunned.
Listen.
I don' t try to justify his behavior, or mine.
I am just trying to figure out who am I and how to pass this breakup, becoming a better version of myself.
Ok, story telling.
I want to share a story from my past with you.
Once I 've tried to commit suicide. I was so lost, so humiliated, so betrayed by my own self, I felt such a deep cut inside all my being that I wanted to end it.
I never lost control like I did then. To wish all the pain gone, and just disappear.
I remember it was a warm summer night and I just got home after a huge fight with a random guy I was caring about. A random guy I was in love with, but a toxic love, not some kind of love that makes you smile.
That wasn't the reason I wanted to do it.
There were more and that was just the cherry on the top.
I was living a destructive life, I was drinking heavy. Every night almost. I was hurting after the death of my best friend, my almost fiancee had left me after I was horrible to him.
All those untold feelings of anger, hurt, burred underneath random relationships,
I was so glamorous by night, concealing everything under a perfect makeup, and such a corpse by day. I was sleeping a few hours a day, not eating properly, not loving myself. Almost all my friends were alcoholics.
I was decaying.
I got home, found some powerful sleeping pills and I stated to ingest one by one. I felt numb and every second I was ingesting one more pill, I felt weaker.
I have made a plan. To take all those pills, and then walk into the night to the nearest bridge and to let myself fall.
Very dramatic, right?
I am letting myself smile now about this, but if I didn't had the inspiration to call my friend, if my friend wouldn't have come to my place in 12 mins, I probably wouldn't write this right now.
So, I've made a promise then to myself, that I would NEVER bury my sadness or lose myself like I did then.
If you do, you will deny yourself.
If you deny yourself, you'll cease to exist.
So ,if you are sad, cry motherfucker, cry.
Don't let yourself decay.
And SCREAM for help if you do. That saved my live.
This is my fourth day,
I will write more tomorrow, until then, stay strong.
Love,
Sofia
This is what I am feeling right now. Not sadness, not anger, but a feeling with "okay, what now? how can I put myself back together again?" I feel like I am made from puzzle pieces that are scattered all over the city. Where the hell is my eye? I can't see. Where are my hands? I Cannot feel.
I have my feet and my ears, though.
I walk half blind into a maze, and I can hear nice songs. Come on, Lana, let's get High By the Beach.
Yesterday I think I had a epiphany.
My friend, took me to see a movie last night. It was spontaneous and fun. Instead of going to our acting classes, we turned the taxi around, and stopped to the nearest shopping mall and watched Jumanji. It was actually the first time in days that I was smiling and wait! Laughing. Really, from my soul. It felt so light , like a heavy burden was lifted away from my lungs and I could finally breathe.
As I was going back home I felt a huge warmth in my chest and I've realized for the first time in years. Wow. So this is the feeling to really enjoy by yourself without feeling any guilt?
Let me explain.
When I get involved in a relationship, even if I am going out on my own, I constantly obsess over my boyfriend, and feel guilty I am having fun without him. And never feel entirely FREE to enjoy by myself.
I know it sounds so stupid, but maybe guys pick up on that at an energetic inexplicable level and perceive it as "bad vibes/forced things/subtle neediness".
I did it without even realizing it. Putting so much pressure on myself and my partner too.
It's like I wouldn't have let myself doing nothing, I was keeping myself in an invisible cage, and when I did something for myself, it was so hard to make the decision of sharing that time between myself and my partner. I think it was a stupid belief: putting the time shared with him, before my own needs. And I bet he did that too.
And then I am thinking: "Hey what the hell !? Have I lived like this until now?"
And the answer is : Yes, I did. It was a subconscious thing I didn't even had a clue, until I've made myself into a puzzle.
This huge breakthrough came naturally. I did not forced anything.
Wow. I am stunned.
Not angry, not mad. Just Stunned.
Listen.
I don' t try to justify his behavior, or mine.
I am just trying to figure out who am I and how to pass this breakup, becoming a better version of myself.
Ok, story telling.
I want to share a story from my past with you.
Once I 've tried to commit suicide. I was so lost, so humiliated, so betrayed by my own self, I felt such a deep cut inside all my being that I wanted to end it.
I never lost control like I did then. To wish all the pain gone, and just disappear.
I remember it was a warm summer night and I just got home after a huge fight with a random guy I was caring about. A random guy I was in love with, but a toxic love, not some kind of love that makes you smile.
That wasn't the reason I wanted to do it.
There were more and that was just the cherry on the top.
I was living a destructive life, I was drinking heavy. Every night almost. I was hurting after the death of my best friend, my almost fiancee had left me after I was horrible to him.
All those untold feelings of anger, hurt, burred underneath random relationships,
I was so glamorous by night, concealing everything under a perfect makeup, and such a corpse by day. I was sleeping a few hours a day, not eating properly, not loving myself. Almost all my friends were alcoholics.
I was decaying.
I got home, found some powerful sleeping pills and I stated to ingest one by one. I felt numb and every second I was ingesting one more pill, I felt weaker.
I have made a plan. To take all those pills, and then walk into the night to the nearest bridge and to let myself fall.
Very dramatic, right?
I am letting myself smile now about this, but if I didn't had the inspiration to call my friend, if my friend wouldn't have come to my place in 12 mins, I probably wouldn't write this right now.
So, I've made a promise then to myself, that I would NEVER bury my sadness or lose myself like I did then.
If you do, you will deny yourself.
If you deny yourself, you'll cease to exist.
So ,if you are sad, cry motherfucker, cry.
Don't let yourself decay.
And SCREAM for help if you do. That saved my live.
This is my fourth day,
I will write more tomorrow, until then, stay strong.
Love,
Sofia
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