Day 22- I have traveled through madness to find me.

Hi guys,

I had a couple of introspective days.


Finally had the time to focus on myself.
Guess what: I had a few sad days, BUT, the last were amazing.
I think I found a balance within the core of my soul and that works amazingly.
I can finally walk on the street and not think of anything but walking.
My head is clear.
My mind is clearer. 
I live in the fucking present, and what am I doing in the present? I walk alone.

I have made so much progress in my life.
I've lost weight. I am going to tribal oriental dance classes- there are amazing and I will soon be performing on stage (yey!). 
I am doing my job, I am doing my acting classes too, I am all the time on the run, not to mention I've done a kick-ass tattoo on my arm I've been wanting to do in a long time.


My life is in balance. I still care about him. But what I have learned is that HE was the one who left me so why should I keep thinking about it? I can only honor my feelings for him, with acceptance and respect on his decision. That's it. 
I am moving on. 

I've been asked even on a date by a great guy. I met him a while ago and he always was asking me out, but I was with someone so I was saying "No.". But this time, I have said yes. 
Let's see how it goes. 

Coincidence or not, yesterday night I bumped into my ex in the club. 
I felt strange. But it felt good, too.
It showed me how much I missed him, but it showed me how well balanced I am now.
I was having this overwhelming feeling before, like he was on a sort of pedestal and I was down in the crowd, small and unimportant. Now I felt equality. 
We spoke about quite a few things, and the one that stuck to my head is that he told me he is not ok and he tries to move on but couldn't.
That being said, it took me by surprise but I did not wanted to dig further into it. Just because I can't give everything anymore. 
I need to see commitment and feel love from my partner. 

I want my guy to come to me and say this :
"I don't just want your heart. I want your flesh, your skin and blood, and bones, your voice, your thoughts, your pulse, and most of all, your fingerprints everywhere".

Without it, I'd rather stay alone.

Love, 
S.

Day 16 Me, myself and I

Wow. 

There were the most intense 7 minutes of my life I think. I overcame my fears.
I can say now: wow, am I that strong? 
Yes, I am. 
Am I an actress? 
Yes, I am. 
Am I choosing myself?
Yes. For the first time in my life. It feels amazing.

They say when you are uncomfortable you are becoming better. You shed your old skin for a new one; every cell of your body burns in agony in order to make new ones from the ashes. 
The lights, the stage, the people you work with. The energy, the chemistry, the audience, the fear that eats your insides and the explosion of pure joy when you get some applause or some smiles, any feedback from the audience. 
If I was losing myself in my own misery of ex relationship, of memories, of laziness, I would not have lived this.

I still care, I still think from time to time of my ex, I wonder how is he doing, what he thinks right now, how is his life, is he alright or not?
It's ok to care but with a big dose of detachment because otherwise it is called obsession and that's not right.
It will eat you up. 
I don't wish to see him, I think it would make me uncomfortable on some level. I just focus on myself and noone else right now. 
I had the chance 2 days ago to make a new connection with a beautiful Eurasian man. I met him in the club I usually go dance on electronic music, but I got so scared. And I ran. 
He was amazing, polite, everything, not to mention beautiful to look at. Tall , raven long hair, and those eyes, oh my god. But it felt like I was cheating. And I've realized I haven't let my ex go. He is still there, in my head, in my body, around me.
But that's okay, there is no point of denying. I will date whenever I'll be ready. Until then there's so much unexplored teritory of myself. 
I was like human race, trying to conquer space, when we don't even know what lies deep down in the oceans of our own planet. 
Its me, myself and I, and that is alright. 

Love,
S.

Days 14 & 15- From darkness to light

Hi guys, 

I haven't wrote yesterday because it was terrible for me, I couldn't eat, my energy level was the lowest since I broke up. Just feeling so devastated, like the whole world shut down its lights from me, and I was alone in a dark, cold place.
I felt like everyone from my life detached from me, like no one cared, I was physically miserable. Wanted to sleep my day away, just to forget and shut down the screaming of silence.
I don't know why I did felt so low, probably because I tried so badly to force myself to get over it, and it was not the proper pace for me.
I needed more time to grief. To cry my eyes out. I was stopping myself to do so, out of the wish to carry on faster. But pain has its way to come back to you. So you need to slow down a bit. 
Take a deep breath. 
Cry if you need to. 

After I let the sadness be and became one with it, something amazing happened.
I started to feel better and things started to pick up. I shouldn't try so desperately to escape my feelings for my ex, or my past. They fucking made me who I am now. They are a part of me.

Today was the 15-th day after my breakup and was a truly big day for me. My stage debut. The very first time I appeared on a stage, in front of many people, playing  my role.
It was amazing. It was something I was doing for myself. It was a mixture of adrenaline and pure joy. I never felt so alive in my life. I love the stage and I feel so proud of myself I can't even begin to describe.
I am so happy I did not let the sadness take this away from me. 
I chose myself.
Do the same.


Love always, 
Sofia.

13. Do not try harder. Try less

That is a great tip I read today.
I was trying so hard to get away from this situation as faster as I could. I wanted out. The pain, the reminder of my ex, the agony. I wanted it done and me moving on. 
But if you force yourself, you will actually slow down the process of recovery.
It makes sense. 
If you hurry, you will lose steps, you will hide emotions under the carpet, and that's not recovery, that is cheating.
Nope. 
Do not try so hard. 
Try less. 
Leave it be. 
If thoughts of him, emotions like anger, disappointment, sadness, missing him etc come to surface, leave them be. They will pass. But leave them express themselves into your mind and soul and then say goodbye to them. If they come back, observe them and leave them be. 
You will see that as time moves further, they will appear less and less, until, one day, they will completely vanish.

"When you force yourself to overcome a setback, you add another layer of trauma on top of the initial pain." 

It makes sense, doesn't it? 
Don't add more pain to your already pain. 
Try less. 

Love, 
S.

12 . And I shall become that woman

I always admired those amazing women I was seeing around me.
They had a certain special aura doing what they liked, with so much energy and passion. 
They had something in their lives that made them so whole, and I don't mean a relationship. 
If you want to be madly in love with yourself and with life, first, you need to have the time to get to know yourself, and I don't mean on a superficial level, I mean dig deep down the core of your soul and see what's in there. You need alone time. Only you and your thoughts. 
I had a big problem because I was not comfortable to stay by myself, I always avoided the discussions from my head when I was alone. So, I was always surrounded by people, noise,etc. Just to keep them silent.

It will be hard, but not impossible. It will hurt like hell, because you will find buried dreams and hopes, a lot of regrets, heartache. But, after they will come up on the surface, that space will clear up, and it will start whispering to you. At first it will be so hard to hear, because you never listened to yourself before. But, with a bit of work, you will start listening. And you WILL know, exactly what is your purpose in your own life. And you will become strong, whole, passionate. That woman that you see and admire, it WILL be you. 
You will feel things more accurate, more authentic. 
You will attract similar people to your life, and will get rid of those who are no longer serving you. 
You won't need a relationship to make you complete, you will be complete. And a partner will be an equal,not your live saving raft.
No one likes that, is not sexy! 

You'll see love with more detachment. 
I didn't thought i would say this but I did. I was so clinging to the concept of possessive love, now I am seeing it so clear. 
The authentic love is, I think, a bonus. The cherry on the top. 
If you put a cherry on top of nothing, it would be just a single cherry. A single cherry cannot make you happy. 
You need to start learning how to be happy by yourself, so do it. Stay alone, meditate, and start listening to your heart.  

Love, 
Sofia

11 th day - Detachment. That's my wish.

As the days are unraveling, I can see clearer and clearer my ex relationship. 

Now, I see the good part in me after I have analysed my mistakes.
I still have some moments when I get really angry on my ex boyfriend but also, on myself. I think this residual bad energy will go away in a while. And when it will do, I will finally be able to let him go and finally move the hell on.

I know more of myself now, and I have learned about me many things, about what and how I want a man in my life, and what do I want from him and our relationship. 
I feel more confident and strong. I eat well, I am putting the puzzle together. I am having activities that make me feel more powerful. 
I surround myself with positive people. 
I cry if I want to, but now its not happening so often as it was. 
I m letting myself be me and stop acting a little role outside my theater classes. 
Who would like me, would like the real me and won't try concisely, or not, to change me.
I am getting my power back and even its sounds sad, I hope to detach as fast as I can from whatever implies my ex relationship.

The first thing I've got to do, is to grow to my right size again.
And I started to.

Love,
S.

Day number 10. Invest in yourself

I  can't believe you guys 10 days have passed.
It's been like 3 months or years, I've done so many things for myself and I had a dynamic lifestyle that distorted the time and space for me.

Today I had a good vibe overall. 

I had acting classes, and it lifted my energy high, high in the sky. The laughter, the work and emotion we put into making something amazing, the hope, all this art makes me feel great. 
On the 21-st I have my debut on stage and there's a mixture of anxiety and curiosity in my head. 
I can't say my mind is completely out of my ex relationship, because I'd be hypocrite, but it helps if you have any projects, hobbies, whatever makes you feel good to keep your thoughts busy. 
Do not leave your projects away only because you broke up. 
I know the depression, the "fuck it" feeling that comes along, but it is not worth it, trust me. Think about it in a logic way: after you broke up you'll need things to keep you busy, right? So why don't invest in your own self, your personal growth?
Makes sense, right ? 
Think about it. 

If you would like to share with me your experience, please write it in comments below and I would gladly reply. 

Love, 
S.

9-th day. Am I healing?

Wow. Is the pain gone?

I finally feel that I can breathe without hurting. 
Have I started to like my single life? You know is not as bad as they say it is. 
Yes, you do miss the intimacy, but it is not as bad I thought it was. It's freedom, it's doing whatever you want whenever you want. Its getting the chance to know yourself and stop censor your needs. Connect with friends on a deeper level. Learn what you truly need and desire. 

Well, in my love life I either been with a guy, or breaking up with a guy, I did not had 5 minutes to stay with myself and discover who the hell I was.
I like who I am, really, I can finally see myself a bit clearer. I am quite a catch.
I didn't do anything wrong. 
I am a great person and any man would be lucky to have me. 
But this time, I won't settle with anything less then I deserve, now I see it so clear. Out of my desperate need to be with "someone" ,unconscionably I was accepting any shit from anybody. Why? Because I didn't had a clue who I was and I didn't knew how to cope with loneliness.
If I knew myself better, if I would have listened to my inner voice, then I would have made things differently. But I don't regret anything; I am who I am, I am LEARNING from everything and I am upgrading myself. 

There is a saying "Patience can be bitter, but the seeds you plant will bear sweet fruit".
Well, yeah?!
It was, and still is a bit hard to sit and look at your misery and live all that chaos after the breakup, but keep in mind IT WILL get better. It will. I know it, you know it. 
We don't want to hear it while we're in a grieving process because we feel like we betray that once loved relationship, but the truth is, we know deep down that it will pass. 
You can't stay forever happy, as you cannot stay forever miserable: its a fact. 
We need this duality in our lives to keep us balanced. We need these waves to make us feel alive, I guess.

It was so hard of me to reeducate myself to focus on MY needs, MY time, MY freedom. All my life I've been giving, and this time is really benevolent for me because its showing me the world from inside out.
I know it is SO hard if you are a giver to teach yourself to be self centered, but its a must if you want to live the best life for yourself. 

I read somewhere that recovery comes as soon as you take him/her our of your mind and focus on something else. 


Be well, take deep breaths, and smile if you can.

Love always, 
S.

8-th day. Wtf ?

Hi guys, 

Lately I was hoping to get better, actually as the days pass I am feeling puzzled. 

I don't really know how, but it seems like the past is chasing after me. And when I mean the past I mean exes. 
Maybe its a test, I don't know, from karma's part to see what have I learned lately.
I was telling this to you in a previous post that usually my reaction after a breakup would be to go out there, with my shiny mask on, and just find another guy. I did this all my life. 
But I keep telling myself that I have changed and this is NOT the way to cope after this breakup. 
This relationship was so special to me that I can't do that anymore, I have changed. For the better I guess.
This guy is not that easily replaceable. Not like others.

Now my exes find me really appealing, ask me out, etc. 
They don't even know I am single again and it's like they are smelling it in the air.
So karma, WTF? I am confused why these guys keep reappearing and want to be back with me acting like: "I want you back, you are so valuable to me, I've realized this after we broke up blah blah blah".

Its not like I am senseless, but why do men do this, for fucks sake!?

They have this amazing girl in their life, who, ok , maybe has a flaw or two but she really tries, and then they are ending the relationship, without even giving a damn, and then, after a while, shorter or longer they chase after you. 
Can anybody explain to me what the fuck is this and why can't I find a guy who would value me DURING the relationship? 

Anyway if this happen to you to, do NOT give in to your exes, only because you feel alone, or the bed is cold, or whatever. 
Enjoy some single time. Spend time with friends. No ex boyfriends who want you back. 

Hope this helps. 
Love, 
S.

PS. I met a friend today, and I was so impressed by what he wrote for the girl he is inlove with. 

I made a secret wish, I would love for someone to write that about me.

Seven-th day. Stop resisting

Wow. It's already been a week.

I don't perceive time so well especially after a breakup. It's been like yesterday but also it's been like last year. 
From all days, yesterday was the hardest for me. 
My mind kept thinking in his direction. 
I felt alone, even if I had the fullest and coolest day.
Told you, guys. No lies. 
I won't say it's easy. But what options do we have? 

1.To resist the tide and the consequences are that the rage of the waves will hit us violently, or 2. to let go  and leave your body and soul to float on it. 
If you do, you won't get so hurt. It makes sense, right ?
I was making the same mistake over and over again, after breakups. Resisting it. 
The logic was that "we are fighting to get back the love of our dear one".
What ?
Wake up, if they were the ones that ended the relationship, you don't have a chance. And why to resist? Why to fight? If you truly value them, then respect their decision, let them go. And I told you, if someone is supposed to be with you they will realize it, if not why to resist them? 
There is no forced love. 
Well it might work for a week, a month or so, but then they will leave. 
So stop humiliating yourself by resisting and go do your own thing.

Sixth day. Thank and let go?

Hi guys, 

Sometimes I am feeling like I walk on a path that I can't see, surrounded only by fog and a vague sense of cold sunshine.

Everything seems so uncertain, but that path. The rest is confusion. 
But, sometimes, I have a gut feeling that I am on the right track. Like I supposed to be here in this pain, live it, own it, and move the fuck on.
Like everything here is as it should, and if I kinda feel this, then I shouldn't be sad anymore.
But there is a problem, there's a struggle inside my brain. A part sais that what am I feeling now, the fact that I believe there is a sort of destiny, a path, and we are all on the right track, and the other part sais "bullshit, you are just saying this to yourself to ease your own pain".

Well I don't really know. Confusion is all over and all I need to do is to wait it off, patiently.

Last night, my ex fiancee, dropped by to say "hi", and as usual we stayed until morning to talk.  

I was observing myself, my inner peace. I was so proud of how much I've evolved. It was a big love between us, that kind of love you see only in movies, but very toxic too with lots of lessons to learn from both our parts. 
While I was talking to him, I had a few insides. 
How much we, people, help each other grow. 
I was feeling so different then Sofia from 2 years ago. I was a bigger, better version of myself. 
He helped see myself how fucking awesome I am right now, and how much I've evolved.
And also he helped me realize that I don't have to hold on my ex and recent breakup, because,surely there will be another match for me soon (I knew this on a mental/theoretical level but never truly believed in it).And I feel love is not enough. 
I was having the false idea that you only get one match in your life and that's it, if you lose it, game over.
But no. We have plenty of chances and potential "other halves". 
Wow.
And now, when I am thinking about it, I feel so peaceful and amazed inside.

Today is Friday and as the weekend comes, I feel emptier then usual.
I guess that after a breakup you tend to periodically think "what we would have done on this day/hour/moment?".
Or maybe I am the crazy, masochistic one. 

I think that we miss our exes just because we miss who we were with them.
I am so grateful  I had this guy in my life.

What I've learned from him:

to be authentic 
to love nature and stay close to it 
to really breathe. Really. Breathe.
that I am beautiful without my fancy makeup, clothes and masks
to feel music
to embrace change 
to love unconditionally 
to trust unconditionally 
to open my heart 
to have patience  
to really Listen
to put myself first 
to be vulnerable 
to be a woman 
to enjoy a lifestyle that I thought is was opposite of myself and my believes
to try more things 
to respect people
to be more courageous
and a more independent kitty >^.^<
to live my life in courage not in fear
to be myself and accept it
to stop the war in my mind
to cope gracefully 
to grow.

to respect free will.


And I love him for this, but wait, it is not a normal type of girlfriend/boyfriend love. Its a thankful, more transcendental love. 

I don't know if I am ready to say to him "goodbye" inside my soul yet, but I am definitely on my way there. 
To let go.
To thank, and let go.

Fifth day. Sort of. Sadness.

Listen guys, I want this to be as authentic as I can. No lies,okay? 

I would love to say I have only great new days, that will put me back on track. 

Well... Although my life goes on, apparently really well, I still stay in some sort of confusion, some sort of angry state of mind (but not even that angry) that doesn't gets numb. Some sort of I cant' be really happy for the accomplishments that are happening in my life. 

Maybe's too soon.

At least I have a plan and I am sticking to it, I know what to do next.

I got the job I was chasing today and I know I should be ecstatic but I can't be, not yet. 
I am just okay.
But I keep saying to myself is normal to feel like this. Some days are better, some are worse I guess. 

S.

Fourth Day. Puzzle

Confusion. 
This is what I am feeling right now. Not sadness, not anger, but a feeling with "okay, what now? how can I put myself back together again?" I feel like I am made from puzzle pieces that are scattered all over the city. Where the hell is my eye? I can't see. Where are my hands? I Cannot feel. 
I have my feet and my ears, though. 
I walk half blind into a maze, and I can hear nice songs. Come on, Lana, let's get High By the Beach.

Yesterday I think I had a epiphany.  
My friend, took me to see a movie last night. It was spontaneous and fun. Instead of going to our acting classes, we turned the taxi around, and stopped to the nearest shopping mall and watched Jumanji. It was actually the first time in days that I was smiling and wait! Laughing. Really, from my soul. It felt so light , like a heavy burden was lifted away from my lungs and I could finally breathe. 
As I was going back home I felt a huge warmth in my chest and I've realized for the first time in years. Wow. So this is the feeling to really enjoy by yourself without feeling any guilt?
Let me explain. 
When I get involved in a relationship, even if I am going out on my own, I constantly obsess over my boyfriend, and feel guilty I am having fun without him. And never feel entirely FREE to enjoy by myself. 
I know it sounds so stupid, but maybe guys pick up on that at an energetic inexplicable level and perceive it as "bad vibes/forced things/subtle neediness". 
I did it without even realizing it. Putting so much pressure on myself and my partner too. 
 It's like I wouldn't have let myself doing nothing, I was keeping myself in an invisible cage, and when I did something for myself, it was so hard to make the decision of sharing that time between myself and my partner. I think it was a stupid belief: putting the time shared with him, before my own needs. And I bet he did that too. 

And then I am thinking: "Hey what the hell !? Have I lived like this until now?"

And the answer is : Yes, I did. It was a subconscious thing I didn't even had a clue, until I've made myself into a puzzle. 
This huge breakthrough came naturally. I did not forced anything. 
Wow.  I am stunned.
Not angry, not mad. Just Stunned. 

Listen.
 I don' t try to justify his behavior, or mine.
I am just trying to figure out who am I and how to pass this breakup, becoming a better version of myself. 

Ok, story telling.
I want to share a story from my past with you.
Once I 've tried to commit suicide. I was so lost, so humiliated, so betrayed by my own self, I felt such a deep cut inside all my being that I wanted to end it. 
I never lost control like I did then. To wish all the pain gone, and just disappear.
I remember it was a warm summer night and I just got home after a huge fight with a random guy I was caring about. A random guy I was in love with, but a toxic love, not some kind of love that makes you smile. 
That wasn't the reason I wanted to do it.
There were more and that was just the cherry on the top.
I was living a destructive life, I was drinking heavy. Every night almost. I was hurting after the death of my best friend, my almost fiancee had left me after I was horrible to him.
All those untold feelings of anger, hurt, burred underneath random relationships,  

I was so glamorous by night, concealing everything under a perfect makeup, and such a corpse by day. I was sleeping a few hours a day, not eating properly, not loving myself. Almost all my friends were alcoholics. 
I was decaying.

I got home, found some powerful sleeping pills and I stated to ingest one by one. I felt numb and every second I was ingesting one more pill, I felt weaker. 
I have made a plan. To take all those pills, and then walk into the night  to the nearest bridge and to let myself fall. 

Very dramatic, right?

I am letting myself smile now about this, but if I didn't had the inspiration to call my friend, if my friend wouldn't have come to my place in 12 mins, I probably wouldn't write this right now.

So, I've made a promise then to myself, that I would NEVER bury my sadness or lose myself like I did then. 
If you do, you will deny yourself.
If you deny yourself, you'll cease to exist.
So ,if you are sad, cry motherfucker, cry. 
Don't let yourself decay. 
And SCREAM for help if you do. That saved my live.

This is my fourth day, 
I will write more tomorrow, until then, stay strong.

Love, 
Sofia

Third day. No more victim mentality.

Hi guys. 

To be honest I thought my mindset will get better as the days go by, but apparently not, I am trying to push fast forward on my emotions, because they feel from time to time so unbearable.
I was talking to my friend and told him : "why the hell haven't I stayed single? I wish to delete all the time I was with him if I could".
I know I said that out of rage. Maybe this comes after sadness? Anger?

I think if we would delete our bad love experiences, we wouldn't evolve.
I still realized that my mind is all over the place and as rational I am trying to be, I can't right now. 

I am thinking sometimes, when I wake up suddenly at night: "when all this pain would end, and why am I suffering so much, it's just another relationship in a long row of relationships, and its not even the longest?".
Well, it may  be not the longest, but it is the first I was truly authentic and unconditional with this man. And when I received crumbles and stubbornness, well, that was my disappointment.
  
I have detected an impatience from my part and definitely I need to slow things down. 
It's been only three fucking days. I can't be okay immediately, right? 
This applies to you too if you are having similar feelings.

My friend came to my place to live with me for a while.
Let me tell you: it helps but it's still hard, as the family or friends cannot do the work for you. They can't enter in your brain and say "this part that thinks of your ex can shut down now". They can only be there for you.

Today' s rehearsal day, as I told you in my previous post, I am an aspiring actor and  I have a play on the 21-st of this month. 
I am so scared, because I feel so vulnerable. I am scared I cannot handle my emotions well and I will be screwing almost 4 months of hard work over this. 
But No more! 

Before, if I had the tiniest argument with some random dude that I was dating, that would have ruined my life.
 I wouldn't have cared about my job, or my responsibilities, or anything, and, after the quarrel with that guy would have ended, I would have said: "Damn! I missed this or that at school, or I screwed up badly at work, I lost this and I lost that".
Well I can see straight now: It was actually MY fault. 
Letting them crawl inside my brain, and you know what's this? 
The victim's mentality: I screwed up my tasks, blaming them, when I was supposed to take responsibility and say "I screwed up'cuz I gave all the power to the victim inside me".
We tend to sabotage ourselves by blaming people or circumstances. 
You CAN'T control anyone but yourself, and even that is hard.
That victim mentality makes us kick ourselves down after the situation punched us already in the face. Why to behave masochistic? 
Well, no more of that for me. 
I will concentrate to give my best at the rehearsal tonight, and if I'd make an ass of myself I'll take it gracefully, because I WILL TRY and that's important.
I think all these experiences are trying to force me be more selfish. Put myself first! 

PS. I miss the beach even if its January. There, I was finding my peace every summer weekend. 

Try to find a place in your mind that always made you happy. That's my happy place to go to when everything around me seems like a nightmare.

And think of something you are grateful in your life and be thankful about it! Think right now. What is it? Who is it? (NOT your ex, Goddammit!:) 

 Think about that for a while rather then all the shit that happened around you.

Love always, 
S.


P.PS. I didn't went to rehearses today,( but wait!) I rehearsed at my place with my acting colleague, and then we skipped acting classes because we went to see "Jumanji" at the movie theater (hey its still theater, right?) and I don't feel guilty at all!
 It felt pretty good, a great distraction. 
Sofia smiled today. 
I mean really smiled.
And I've realized a couple of things but I will write more of that tomorrow.
Bye guys, 
be good.

Second day. A dream within a dream.

I feel like some sort of an addict when I take one day at a time to confront my situation and struggle with it, but I think I was. 

All the things that you did with the other significant one, all the small things, from how the day was starting and all that wonderful routine you shared together, what messages would you be sharing during the day, what dinner you would eat together, etc. 
So, I guess this is exactly like drug recovery. One step at a time, baby steps. 
It is hard ,I know. Trying to cope with the reality that everything will change and nothing will be the same again. 
It sounds so dramatic but if you are like me, a person that invests 100% of itself in a relationship, then you will know it is true.

Today I feel a bit worse then yesterday, because :

 As the day starts, you go to work, doing your tasks, talking to other people, you get caught up in that particular routine and it is great to take your mind out of it, but the fact that I work from home does not help very much. Standing between 4 walls, and trying to focus on my writing and my jewelry making, it's so damn hard because the mind keeps going to that heartache. Random memories, random insignificant shit you see online and want to share with him, and then you think "oh, wait. I can't do this anymore". I feel I lost a lover and a friend and this loss affects me to the point I start crying (again). "It's ok to cry", I say to myself, better out then in.

I am an artist and this is what makes me feel so much, I guess.I am many things,a nice person, a child sometimes that has been through so much shit that I can't even start to explain right now. 
A jewelry maker, a freelance writer, and also an aspiring actor, and I cannot leave these emotions affect my work.
I shall focus all of these confused, hurt, grieving feelings into a ball of energy that will put me back on track. I will take this energy and I'll pour it into my writing and and my jewelry making.
Tomorrow I will focus on my acting rehearsal to do my best. We will see tomorrow how I will be doing that, I'm not sure now. 
Until then, this blog keeps me sane and close to you, even if I don't know you. 
You are all human beings just as I am ,and I feel your empathy towards me. And I give empathy back to everyone who needs it. That's how the World goes round.

It is time to put those dear people from your life, back on their place. 
I tend to do it, maybe we all do, I  don't know, I am just talking from my experience, but when I am with someone, I tend to put him  first, and after ,my family and friends.  
I don't really know why am I doing that, I think it has to do with the way I am built. That doesn't mean I am ignoring my friends or family, but it means that I prioritize the one in my life. 
You should always keep your dear ones near.I did, and I am lucky. 

I called a friend today to come live with me for a couple of days. Loneliness is not good for me right now. 

I had nightmares, dreams within dreams like Poe's poem.
I don' t know what's their metaphysical meaning and I don't really have the energy to think about them now. Maybe you could help with any suggestions.

I went for a walk, empty my brain from all the overthinking. It helped. 

My ex boyfriend sent me a text that he wanted to meet and give me back my belongings. Very polite, but I don't want to see him, it is NOT a good idea, so I said that to him.
 Screw this,I don't feel like being polite.
 I feel sad and fed up.

While you are trying to move on, PLEASE END any contact with your ex, that is my advice. It is time to put yourself first and NOT think of anything besides yourself and your OWN GOOD.
So yeah, I am selfish this time. And I am feeling I've got the power back. 

I don't have any more epiphanies to share with you today. If you do, don' t hesitate to write. 

Remember: eat, pray, cry, be pissed off if you feel like it, be selfish.
 Smiles will come later, I promise.

Love, 
Sofia

The day after the breakup

Hi guys. 

I usually keep my inner thoughts and feelings for myself and write only about impersonal, funny things. Today I won't be doing that because I consider I have grown the past couple of years, and with growth comes change, with change comes wisdom and with wisdom, comes authenticity. 

So... this is me.

A girl/woman that still acts like some sort of unknowing child in every relationship she has. I always wanted to do things my way and that led me to many, many relationship fails and bruised hearts.

This last year taught me how to compromise. How to make things work not only my way, but my partners way too. So tough, though. But I did it. With hard work, sincerity, and lots and looots of giving.

So why am I writing about the day after the breakup right now, you may ask. 

Well. 

It happened again. 

I got dumped and I am trying to cope with it with grace, vulnerability, wisdom. I think I may do it , and if you are in the same situation as I am, please watch my posts, as I will share with you my personal healing experience. 

How can a person cope with the death of a truly cherished relationship.

How to cope when your partner, out of the blue sais "I never loved you/I am not inlove with you". 

What then?

What is my next step and how the hell can I put myself together again after this shock will wear off?

Before, I was getting a wine bottle (or three), and numb the pain off. 

I was the type of woman that was courted by many men, and I could have got another guy in just a flash. I did that too. It won't help, trust me. It will break you even more. 

I made this blog to focus on healing myself and help whoever is in need. I've been through this many times and I know it hurts and how fed up you can get when you are giving yourself over and over again and the result is still the same. You lose you appetite, you cry a lot or maybe put a nice shiny mask that laughs a lot; you can't sleep and when you do, you wake up with all that pre-breakup discussion rumbling inside your brain. Maybe harsh things that have been said, maybe things that you could have said. You can't make the thoughts go away and you are living in a personal hell and heartbreak. 

Well , as I said. Even if it's the first day, or second, or whatever day after a breakup with someone who was really meaningful to you,  try to think that you are NOT alone in this. Look, it happened to me too. Just the day before,and to be honest, i feel like shit. But even though is cliche, I KNOW for a fact this will pass, and so do you if you are looking inside your soul. 

It happened, there is nothing that you can do about it. 

I've read somewhere that if you truly love a person, you let him/her go. If it comes back to you, that means it was meant to be. That's reciprocity and That is what everyone deserves. One sided relationships don't work and lower your energy, self esteem, everything.

 If it's not, I am sorry to say it wasn't meant to be and you are better off. And this is where all the heartbreak comes. You've invested so much in this and you can see the horrible result, I feel this too. 

But after a long time, I feel free. Besides the sadness, I can see clear that I am not alone. There are people in my life, my friends, for example, that I can reach out to. They can come to my place, hang out, talk to me, the day passes easier. You don't get to be stuck in your brain thinking why that person left me? What am I doing so wrong? 

My problem here is that I 've invested so much of me, very altruistic, very authentic, and very unconditional, that I forgot that my partner may not be feeling the same.  

We tend to believe that what we give we will get back, who sais that ? The movies ? 

Its a myth. 

So, i took a long hard look at myself and my relationship and I have two options.

A. To act like the victim here "nobody loves me, boo hoo" , to close the windows, doors, phone, and just act like it was not my fault at all and we just didn't match. 

Or B, I can take responsibility for my own shit, and say "I've tried my best." and try to figure out how to be myself again. 

We tend to lose ourselves in relationships in order to "be okay". Not good. We all do it more or less.

Anyway, what can I do in the first day after the break up? 

1.I feel Sadness, pain, like a huge loss in my soul because I cared so much and I lost it. To deny these feelings is to deny myself. Well, for start I can let myself cry. I haven't done that in a while and I tried to be a "strong individual". (Tip: never suppress your sadness that's like invalidating yourself).

It is ok to feel vulnerable. It's what makes us human, so cry with me if you need to. Cry now or later, and as often as you feel like until your nose gets red. Be grumpy, sad, swear a lot if it helps. But TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. In a relationship there are two parts, not one, but now is not the moment to overthink the relationship because you are way too emotional.

After I cry ,my way of coping is to call a friend or two. Close people who I love and love me back, and would come in the middle of the night to stay with me if that is my need. 

2.Talking helps. 

If not with friends or family, then even with strangers here on the internet. We're all the same. 

3. If you can, get dressed and go out. Meet with friends or just walk around in a parc, grab a coffee. 

Think and let the thoughts flow trough you. Don't suppress them, let them be and validate your sorrow. Think you've been single before. You will be able to be single again. After all, we're not born in relationships. 

4. Try to eat something you enjoy, sleep and relax. That is the key. Rest your body because all those bad vibes have been taking a toll on you. 

Breathe heavily. 

Hydrate. 

Eat fruits. 

Cry. 

Look at the sun. Or listen to the rain. 

Be Thankful. This world is an amazing place, and we are lucky we are alive. We are lucky we are healthy. We are lucky with our families, and friends, and pets.

Pray. 

But not in a "God please let us be back together" way, that is obsession and if you chose to obsess over something, obsess over you and your perspective in life. Focus all that bitter energy into something creative, powerful, something that defines you and makes you reborn from the ashes. Be Phoenix-like. Pray for yourself. Not even in the biblical sense, but in a spiritual way. Give positive thoughts to you. I know its another cliche the "think positive" card, but don't be harsh and judgmental on you. I know you do it. I am doing it too, but I am trying not to.

If we do all the things I've mentioned, we'll escape a little bit from the hell we have in our minds, and make it a bit more bearable. A cozier hell for the first day. 

5.Focus on something else. Wear comfortable clothes and watch some TV shows. I like "The big bang theory".

For now this is my first day. This is how I cope. I will write more as the days will pass. Until then , I am here for you, and whoever wants to share their experience no matter how many days passed since your heartbreak, I will be replying. 

Love, 

Sofia.