Day 22- I have traveled through madness to find me.

Hi guys,

I had a couple of introspective days.


Finally had the time to focus on myself.
Guess what: I had a few sad days, BUT, the last were amazing.
I think I found a balance within the core of my soul and that works amazingly.
I can finally walk on the street and not think of anything but walking.
My head is clear.
My mind is clearer. 
I live in the fucking present, and what am I doing in the present? I walk alone.

I have made so much progress in my life.
I've lost weight. I am going to tribal oriental dance classes- there are amazing and I will soon be performing on stage (yey!). 
I am doing my job, I am doing my acting classes too, I am all the time on the run, not to mention I've done a kick-ass tattoo on my arm I've been wanting to do in a long time.


My life is in balance. I still care about him. But what I have learned is that HE was the one who left me so why should I keep thinking about it? I can only honor my feelings for him, with acceptance and respect on his decision. That's it. 
I am moving on. 

I've been asked even on a date by a great guy. I met him a while ago and he always was asking me out, but I was with someone so I was saying "No.". But this time, I have said yes. 
Let's see how it goes. 

Coincidence or not, yesterday night I bumped into my ex in the club. 
I felt strange. But it felt good, too.
It showed me how much I missed him, but it showed me how well balanced I am now.
I was having this overwhelming feeling before, like he was on a sort of pedestal and I was down in the crowd, small and unimportant. Now I felt equality. 
We spoke about quite a few things, and the one that stuck to my head is that he told me he is not ok and he tries to move on but couldn't.
That being said, it took me by surprise but I did not wanted to dig further into it. Just because I can't give everything anymore. 
I need to see commitment and feel love from my partner. 

I want my guy to come to me and say this :
"I don't just want your heart. I want your flesh, your skin and blood, and bones, your voice, your thoughts, your pulse, and most of all, your fingerprints everywhere".

Without it, I'd rather stay alone.

Love, 
S.

Day 16 Me, myself and I

Wow. 

There were the most intense 7 minutes of my life I think. I overcame my fears.
I can say now: wow, am I that strong? 
Yes, I am. 
Am I an actress? 
Yes, I am. 
Am I choosing myself?
Yes. For the first time in my life. It feels amazing.

They say when you are uncomfortable you are becoming better. You shed your old skin for a new one; every cell of your body burns in agony in order to make new ones from the ashes. 
The lights, the stage, the people you work with. The energy, the chemistry, the audience, the fear that eats your insides and the explosion of pure joy when you get some applause or some smiles, any feedback from the audience. 
If I was losing myself in my own misery of ex relationship, of memories, of laziness, I would not have lived this.

I still care, I still think from time to time of my ex, I wonder how is he doing, what he thinks right now, how is his life, is he alright or not?
It's ok to care but with a big dose of detachment because otherwise it is called obsession and that's not right.
It will eat you up. 
I don't wish to see him, I think it would make me uncomfortable on some level. I just focus on myself and noone else right now. 
I had the chance 2 days ago to make a new connection with a beautiful Eurasian man. I met him in the club I usually go dance on electronic music, but I got so scared. And I ran. 
He was amazing, polite, everything, not to mention beautiful to look at. Tall , raven long hair, and those eyes, oh my god. But it felt like I was cheating. And I've realized I haven't let my ex go. He is still there, in my head, in my body, around me.
But that's okay, there is no point of denying. I will date whenever I'll be ready. Until then there's so much unexplored teritory of myself. 
I was like human race, trying to conquer space, when we don't even know what lies deep down in the oceans of our own planet. 
Its me, myself and I, and that is alright. 

Love,
S.

Days 14 & 15- From darkness to light

Hi guys, 

I haven't wrote yesterday because it was terrible for me, I couldn't eat, my energy level was the lowest since I broke up. Just feeling so devastated, like the whole world shut down its lights from me, and I was alone in a dark, cold place.
I felt like everyone from my life detached from me, like no one cared, I was physically miserable. Wanted to sleep my day away, just to forget and shut down the screaming of silence.
I don't know why I did felt so low, probably because I tried so badly to force myself to get over it, and it was not the proper pace for me.
I needed more time to grief. To cry my eyes out. I was stopping myself to do so, out of the wish to carry on faster. But pain has its way to come back to you. So you need to slow down a bit. 
Take a deep breath. 
Cry if you need to. 

After I let the sadness be and became one with it, something amazing happened.
I started to feel better and things started to pick up. I shouldn't try so desperately to escape my feelings for my ex, or my past. They fucking made me who I am now. They are a part of me.

Today was the 15-th day after my breakup and was a truly big day for me. My stage debut. The very first time I appeared on a stage, in front of many people, playing  my role.
It was amazing. It was something I was doing for myself. It was a mixture of adrenaline and pure joy. I never felt so alive in my life. I love the stage and I feel so proud of myself I can't even begin to describe.
I am so happy I did not let the sadness take this away from me. 
I chose myself.
Do the same.


Love always, 
Sofia.

13. Do not try harder. Try less

That is a great tip I read today.
I was trying so hard to get away from this situation as faster as I could. I wanted out. The pain, the reminder of my ex, the agony. I wanted it done and me moving on. 
But if you force yourself, you will actually slow down the process of recovery.
It makes sense. 
If you hurry, you will lose steps, you will hide emotions under the carpet, and that's not recovery, that is cheating.
Nope. 
Do not try so hard. 
Try less. 
Leave it be. 
If thoughts of him, emotions like anger, disappointment, sadness, missing him etc come to surface, leave them be. They will pass. But leave them express themselves into your mind and soul and then say goodbye to them. If they come back, observe them and leave them be. 
You will see that as time moves further, they will appear less and less, until, one day, they will completely vanish.

"When you force yourself to overcome a setback, you add another layer of trauma on top of the initial pain." 

It makes sense, doesn't it? 
Don't add more pain to your already pain. 
Try less. 

Love, 
S.

12 . And I shall become that woman

I always admired those amazing women I was seeing around me.
They had a certain special aura doing what they liked, with so much energy and passion. 
They had something in their lives that made them so whole, and I don't mean a relationship. 
If you want to be madly in love with yourself and with life, first, you need to have the time to get to know yourself, and I don't mean on a superficial level, I mean dig deep down the core of your soul and see what's in there. You need alone time. Only you and your thoughts. 
I had a big problem because I was not comfortable to stay by myself, I always avoided the discussions from my head when I was alone. So, I was always surrounded by people, noise,etc. Just to keep them silent.

It will be hard, but not impossible. It will hurt like hell, because you will find buried dreams and hopes, a lot of regrets, heartache. But, after they will come up on the surface, that space will clear up, and it will start whispering to you. At first it will be so hard to hear, because you never listened to yourself before. But, with a bit of work, you will start listening. And you WILL know, exactly what is your purpose in your own life. And you will become strong, whole, passionate. That woman that you see and admire, it WILL be you. 
You will feel things more accurate, more authentic. 
You will attract similar people to your life, and will get rid of those who are no longer serving you. 
You won't need a relationship to make you complete, you will be complete. And a partner will be an equal,not your live saving raft.
No one likes that, is not sexy! 

You'll see love with more detachment. 
I didn't thought i would say this but I did. I was so clinging to the concept of possessive love, now I am seeing it so clear. 
The authentic love is, I think, a bonus. The cherry on the top. 
If you put a cherry on top of nothing, it would be just a single cherry. A single cherry cannot make you happy. 
You need to start learning how to be happy by yourself, so do it. Stay alone, meditate, and start listening to your heart.  

Love, 
Sofia

11 th day - Detachment. That's my wish.

As the days are unraveling, I can see clearer and clearer my ex relationship. 

Now, I see the good part in me after I have analysed my mistakes.
I still have some moments when I get really angry on my ex boyfriend but also, on myself. I think this residual bad energy will go away in a while. And when it will do, I will finally be able to let him go and finally move the hell on.

I know more of myself now, and I have learned about me many things, about what and how I want a man in my life, and what do I want from him and our relationship. 
I feel more confident and strong. I eat well, I am putting the puzzle together. I am having activities that make me feel more powerful. 
I surround myself with positive people. 
I cry if I want to, but now its not happening so often as it was. 
I m letting myself be me and stop acting a little role outside my theater classes. 
Who would like me, would like the real me and won't try concisely, or not, to change me.
I am getting my power back and even its sounds sad, I hope to detach as fast as I can from whatever implies my ex relationship.

The first thing I've got to do, is to grow to my right size again.
And I started to.

Love,
S.

Day number 10. Invest in yourself

I  can't believe you guys 10 days have passed.
It's been like 3 months or years, I've done so many things for myself and I had a dynamic lifestyle that distorted the time and space for me.

Today I had a good vibe overall. 

I had acting classes, and it lifted my energy high, high in the sky. The laughter, the work and emotion we put into making something amazing, the hope, all this art makes me feel great. 
On the 21-st I have my debut on stage and there's a mixture of anxiety and curiosity in my head. 
I can't say my mind is completely out of my ex relationship, because I'd be hypocrite, but it helps if you have any projects, hobbies, whatever makes you feel good to keep your thoughts busy. 
Do not leave your projects away only because you broke up. 
I know the depression, the "fuck it" feeling that comes along, but it is not worth it, trust me. Think about it in a logic way: after you broke up you'll need things to keep you busy, right? So why don't invest in your own self, your personal growth?
Makes sense, right ? 
Think about it. 

If you would like to share with me your experience, please write it in comments below and I would gladly reply. 

Love, 
S.