Hi guys.
To be honest I thought my mindset will get better as the days go by, but apparently not, I am trying to push fast forward on my emotions, because they feel from time to time so unbearable.
I was talking to my friend and told him : "why the hell haven't I stayed single? I wish to delete all the time I was with him if I could".
I know I said that out of rage. Maybe this comes after sadness? Anger?
I think if we would delete our bad love experiences, we wouldn't evolve.
I still realized that my mind is all over the place and as rational I am trying to be, I can't right now.
I am thinking sometimes, when I wake up suddenly at night: "when all this pain would end, and why am I suffering so much, it's just another relationship in a long row of relationships, and its not even the longest?".
Well, it may be not the longest, but it is the first I was truly authentic and unconditional with this man. And when I received crumbles and stubbornness, well, that was my disappointment.
I have detected an impatience from my part and definitely I need to slow things down.
It's been only three fucking days. I can't be okay immediately, right?
This applies to you too if you are having similar feelings.
My friend came to my place to live with me for a while.
Let me tell you: it helps but it's still hard, as the family or friends cannot do the work for you. They can't enter in your brain and say "this part that thinks of your ex can shut down now". They can only be there for you.
Today' s rehearsal day, as I told you in my previous post, I am an aspiring actor and I have a play on the 21-st of this month.
I am so scared, because I feel so vulnerable. I am scared I cannot handle my emotions well and I will be screwing almost 4 months of hard work over this.
But No more!
Before, if I had the tiniest argument with some random dude that I was dating, that would have ruined my life.
I wouldn't have cared about my job, or my responsibilities, or anything, and, after the quarrel with that guy would have ended, I would have said: "Damn! I missed this or that at school, or I screwed up badly at work, I lost this and I lost that".
Well I can see straight now: It was actually MY fault.
Letting them crawl inside my brain, and you know what's this?
The victim's mentality: I screwed up my tasks, blaming them, when I was supposed to take responsibility and say "I screwed up'cuz I gave all the power to the victim inside me".
We tend to sabotage ourselves by blaming people or circumstances.
You CAN'T control anyone but yourself, and even that is hard.
That victim mentality makes us kick ourselves down after the situation punched us already in the face. Why to behave masochistic?
Well, no more of that for me.
I will concentrate to give my best at the rehearsal tonight, and if I'd make an ass of myself I'll take it gracefully, because I WILL TRY and that's important.
I think all these experiences are trying to force me be more selfish. Put myself first!
PS. I miss the beach even if its January. There, I was finding my peace every summer weekend.
Try to find a place in your mind that always made you happy. That's my happy place to go to when everything around me seems like a nightmare.
And think of something you are grateful in your life and be thankful about it! Think right now. What is it? Who is it? (NOT your ex, Goddammit!:)
Think about that for a while rather then all the shit that happened around you.
Love always,
S.
P.PS. I didn't went to rehearses today,( but wait!) I rehearsed at my place with my acting colleague, and then we skipped acting classes because we went to see "Jumanji" at the movie theater (hey its still theater, right?) and I don't feel guilty at all!
It felt pretty good, a great distraction.
Sofia smiled today.
I mean really smiled.
And I've realized a couple of things but I will write more of that tomorrow.
Bye guys,
be good.
To be honest I thought my mindset will get better as the days go by, but apparently not, I am trying to push fast forward on my emotions, because they feel from time to time so unbearable.
I was talking to my friend and told him : "why the hell haven't I stayed single? I wish to delete all the time I was with him if I could".
I know I said that out of rage. Maybe this comes after sadness? Anger?
I think if we would delete our bad love experiences, we wouldn't evolve.
I still realized that my mind is all over the place and as rational I am trying to be, I can't right now.
I am thinking sometimes, when I wake up suddenly at night: "when all this pain would end, and why am I suffering so much, it's just another relationship in a long row of relationships, and its not even the longest?".
Well, it may be not the longest, but it is the first I was truly authentic and unconditional with this man. And when I received crumbles and stubbornness, well, that was my disappointment.
I have detected an impatience from my part and definitely I need to slow things down.
It's been only three fucking days. I can't be okay immediately, right?
This applies to you too if you are having similar feelings.
My friend came to my place to live with me for a while.
Let me tell you: it helps but it's still hard, as the family or friends cannot do the work for you. They can't enter in your brain and say "this part that thinks of your ex can shut down now". They can only be there for you.
Today' s rehearsal day, as I told you in my previous post, I am an aspiring actor and I have a play on the 21-st of this month.
I am so scared, because I feel so vulnerable. I am scared I cannot handle my emotions well and I will be screwing almost 4 months of hard work over this.
But No more!
Before, if I had the tiniest argument with some random dude that I was dating, that would have ruined my life.
I wouldn't have cared about my job, or my responsibilities, or anything, and, after the quarrel with that guy would have ended, I would have said: "Damn! I missed this or that at school, or I screwed up badly at work, I lost this and I lost that".
Well I can see straight now: It was actually MY fault.
Letting them crawl inside my brain, and you know what's this?
The victim's mentality: I screwed up my tasks, blaming them, when I was supposed to take responsibility and say "I screwed up'cuz I gave all the power to the victim inside me".
We tend to sabotage ourselves by blaming people or circumstances.
You CAN'T control anyone but yourself, and even that is hard.
That victim mentality makes us kick ourselves down after the situation punched us already in the face. Why to behave masochistic?
Well, no more of that for me.
I will concentrate to give my best at the rehearsal tonight, and if I'd make an ass of myself I'll take it gracefully, because I WILL TRY and that's important.
I think all these experiences are trying to force me be more selfish. Put myself first!
PS. I miss the beach even if its January. There, I was finding my peace every summer weekend.
Try to find a place in your mind that always made you happy. That's my happy place to go to when everything around me seems like a nightmare.
And think of something you are grateful in your life and be thankful about it! Think right now. What is it? Who is it? (NOT your ex, Goddammit!:)
Think about that for a while rather then all the shit that happened around you.
Love always,
S.
P.PS. I didn't went to rehearses today,( but wait!) I rehearsed at my place with my acting colleague, and then we skipped acting classes because we went to see "Jumanji" at the movie theater (hey its still theater, right?) and I don't feel guilty at all!
It felt pretty good, a great distraction.
Sofia smiled today.
I mean really smiled.
And I've realized a couple of things but I will write more of that tomorrow.
Bye guys,
be good.
