Day 16 Me, myself and I

Wow. 

There were the most intense 7 minutes of my life I think. I overcame my fears.
I can say now: wow, am I that strong? 
Yes, I am. 
Am I an actress? 
Yes, I am. 
Am I choosing myself?
Yes. For the first time in my life. It feels amazing.

They say when you are uncomfortable you are becoming better. You shed your old skin for a new one; every cell of your body burns in agony in order to make new ones from the ashes. 
The lights, the stage, the people you work with. The energy, the chemistry, the audience, the fear that eats your insides and the explosion of pure joy when you get some applause or some smiles, any feedback from the audience. 
If I was losing myself in my own misery of ex relationship, of memories, of laziness, I would not have lived this.

I still care, I still think from time to time of my ex, I wonder how is he doing, what he thinks right now, how is his life, is he alright or not?
It's ok to care but with a big dose of detachment because otherwise it is called obsession and that's not right.
It will eat you up. 
I don't wish to see him, I think it would make me uncomfortable on some level. I just focus on myself and noone else right now. 
I had the chance 2 days ago to make a new connection with a beautiful Eurasian man. I met him in the club I usually go dance on electronic music, but I got so scared. And I ran. 
He was amazing, polite, everything, not to mention beautiful to look at. Tall , raven long hair, and those eyes, oh my god. But it felt like I was cheating. And I've realized I haven't let my ex go. He is still there, in my head, in my body, around me.
But that's okay, there is no point of denying. I will date whenever I'll be ready. Until then there's so much unexplored teritory of myself. 
I was like human race, trying to conquer space, when we don't even know what lies deep down in the oceans of our own planet. 
Its me, myself and I, and that is alright. 

Love,
S.

9-th day. Am I healing?

Wow. Is the pain gone?

I finally feel that I can breathe without hurting. 
Have I started to like my single life? You know is not as bad as they say it is. 
Yes, you do miss the intimacy, but it is not as bad I thought it was. It's freedom, it's doing whatever you want whenever you want. Its getting the chance to know yourself and stop censor your needs. Connect with friends on a deeper level. Learn what you truly need and desire. 

Well, in my love life I either been with a guy, or breaking up with a guy, I did not had 5 minutes to stay with myself and discover who the hell I was.
I like who I am, really, I can finally see myself a bit clearer. I am quite a catch.
I didn't do anything wrong. 
I am a great person and any man would be lucky to have me. 
But this time, I won't settle with anything less then I deserve, now I see it so clear. Out of my desperate need to be with "someone" ,unconscionably I was accepting any shit from anybody. Why? Because I didn't had a clue who I was and I didn't knew how to cope with loneliness.
If I knew myself better, if I would have listened to my inner voice, then I would have made things differently. But I don't regret anything; I am who I am, I am LEARNING from everything and I am upgrading myself. 

There is a saying "Patience can be bitter, but the seeds you plant will bear sweet fruit".
Well, yeah?!
It was, and still is a bit hard to sit and look at your misery and live all that chaos after the breakup, but keep in mind IT WILL get better. It will. I know it, you know it. 
We don't want to hear it while we're in a grieving process because we feel like we betray that once loved relationship, but the truth is, we know deep down that it will pass. 
You can't stay forever happy, as you cannot stay forever miserable: its a fact. 
We need this duality in our lives to keep us balanced. We need these waves to make us feel alive, I guess.

It was so hard of me to reeducate myself to focus on MY needs, MY time, MY freedom. All my life I've been giving, and this time is really benevolent for me because its showing me the world from inside out.
I know it is SO hard if you are a giver to teach yourself to be self centered, but its a must if you want to live the best life for yourself. 

I read somewhere that recovery comes as soon as you take him/her our of your mind and focus on something else. 


Be well, take deep breaths, and smile if you can.

Love always, 
S.